Dinner and a Movie's Romantic Subplot
by Space Mercutio
Summary: "Toji, anything called the Kensuke is not going to be as good as you think it is." With Shinji locked out of the house in the middle of winter thanks to Asuka, it's lucky Toji is willing to open his doors to him. Unfortunately, Toji is also more than willing to offer his extra-helpful brand of advice on girls...


Asuka angrily shoveled another forkful of noodles into her mouth. "That-idiot-Shinji!" she grumbled between bites.

"He means well," Misato said sympathetically. "You should really unlock the door, it's the middle of December!"

"Climate change," Asuka said simply. "It's a warm winter. He'll survive longer."

"You might be right," Misato acknowledged. "If you want my dinner, you can have it while I get Shinji."

"Please don't bring him back," Asuka groaned. "I don't want to look at him for a good twelve hours."

"He's the Third Child. What else am I gonna do?"

"For his own good? Give him the lethal injection." Asuka crossed her arms. "I don't want your dinner anyway, I've lost my appetite."

"Awfully caustic of you," Misato said concernedly. "Well, if you don't want to see Shinji, maybe I'll go visit Kaji."

Asuka perked up. "Kaji? Just give me a second, I'm coming."

Misato watched her run into her room, and smiled.

* * *

It had all started when Misato had gotten a little restless. Rummaging around in the kitchen for a snack, her gaze lighted on something completely different. It was the bottle of soy sauce, sitting right next to the Worcestershire sauce. They looked almost the same. Without the labels, she wouldn't have been able to tell which ones they were.

Immediately, her devious mind shifted into high gear. If she switched the labels around...just like that...it _was_ Shinji's turn to cook, after all.

Later that night, Misato enjoyed a little soy sauce with her meal. Everyone else? Well, their meals tasted just a little bit different. She'd thought that would be the end of it.

But it wasn't. As no one had switched the labels back, Shinji had cooked the next two meals with 'soy' sauce-and for Asuka, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. She had locked the door after giving him quite a remarkable forehead bruise.

* * *

"The more I see her, the more I'm convinced she needs therapy," Shinji grumbled. "Honestly, I'd feel sorry for her if I didn't hate her right now." At least she had been right about a warm winter. It had been raining all week and it was ten degrees Celsius. He wouldn't freeze, but given how wet it was, he might catch pneumonia.

Luckily for him, he'd made it to a familiar doorway. He might not sleep in his own home tonight, but he would have somewhere.

Shinji knocked on the beat-up door. A boy's voice said, "Coming!"

Toji Suzuhara's face stared back at Shinji. "Ikari? What are you doing here?"

"That's one way to greet a friend," Shinji muttered. "I need a place to stay for the night."

"Whaddaya mean? You get evicted or something?"

"Something like that. Asuka kicked me out."

"She kicked you out..."

Shinji nodded.

"...of your own home?"

Shinji nodded.

"This is possible?"

Shinji nodded.

Toji didn't say anything.

Shinji nodded.

Toji cracked up.

* * *

Misato's phone buzzed. _Finally. That boy responds to a text slower than my grandma._

"Don't worry about me," the text read. "Spending the night at Toji's."

It wasn't long before Asuka realized she wasn't headed to Kaji's. "Uh, Misato?"

"Yeah?"

"I think you took a wrong turn somewhere."Kaji's back two blocks."

"Don't be ridiculous. I know exactly where I'm going."

"But this isn't where Kaji lives..."

"Did I say Kaji? Silly me."

* * *

"No, there's no way. She's going to knock me flat."

"Hey, I like her even less than you, but if you wanna calm her down, you better listen."

"Says you."

"Says I."

"How could I forget? Toji, you're Mr. Ladies' Man Extraordinaire. Of course you know what's best."

Toji didn't pick up the sarcasm. "How _could_ you forget?"

"Maybe because you've never gotten a real girlfriend in your life."

"Hey now, _you_ came to _me_."

"For a bed, not a lecture."

"And if it was Asuka, you'd be outta the park. Here, I'll tell ya what to do. I dunno why, but ladies _love_ it when you tell them 'I'm Sari.'"

Shinji snorted. "Toji, I think the phrase is 'I'm sorry.'"

Toji pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yeah, take _her_ side. Whatever. The point is, chicks dig that."

"Asuka isn't a 'chick'. She's Lucifer. I fail to see how an apology will get me anything more than a kick to the shins."

"Listen, man, do you want to own the home?"

"No, I came here to see the wonderful wizard of Oz."

Toji just looked puzzled. "The things that come outta your mouth, Ikari..."

"Just continue."

"Alright. Where was I? Oh, right, the Saris. Anyway, once you say it, ya got two options. She melts or blows up, right?"

"Right...?" Shinji half-agreed, half-asked.

"That's right Ikari! Now, science tells us this has to do with the amount of iron in her blood. The more iron, the less likely she is going to melt. But we can reduce the amount of iron in her blood at any given moment by about 50% by doing these three simple steps!"

And thus began the Great Toji Lecture of Shinji's Life.

* * *

"Asuka, you really couldn't expect him to do everything right. What did you want him to do, move to America?"

By now Asuka had realized exactly what was going on-and she didn't like it one bit. "America would be a start."

"And this attitude is what makes Shinji avoid you."

Misato had parked just outside of Toji's house. Asuka angrily replied, "I don't need that idiot Shinji!"

"But you seem awfully torn up about him," Misato mused.

"The only thing I'm torn up about is you dragging me back to him!"

"Because you knew you were wrong, and that you might have to apologize?"

Asuka didn't speak for a bit. "Shinji needs to apologize, too," she grumped.

"You're not wrong; he did make mistakes. But think about it. He messed up dinner a little. _You_ locked him out of his own house, using which _he_ makes meals for you, gives you a bed and privacy, and pays the rent."

Asuka paused for even longer.

* * *

"The first step will reduce her iron levels by about 25%. I don't really have a name for this, but you won't forget to do this one."

"Okay..." Shinji said warily. Toji moved so he was behind him. "What are you doing?"

"Step one. Look angry," Toji instructed. Shinji tried to look angry. Toji promptly socked him.

"What was that?!" Shinji asked furiously.

"Step one. I think I'm gonna call it 'The Toji Punch!'"

"You sound like a knockoff of Hi-C. And why'd you have to punch me?"

"Because," Toji said, like it was obvious, "it won't look like you're waiting for her to apologize. And you look vulnerable. Girls love that."

"Asuka looks at me and sees Bambi. I couldn't look more vulnerable if I tried."

"Step two!" Toji announced. "In the event of step one failing, defined for these purposes as not making Asuka melt, move to step two, here defined as the Kensuke!"

"Toji, nothing named after Kensuke is going to be as good as you think it is."

"This is. Say you just punched me. What's Asuka gonna think?"

Shinji thought. "She's going to think that I punch like a girl."

"You're catching on, Ikari!" Toji seemed proud. This didn't make Shinji feel better. Toji continued, "So ya have to distract her from that. And how do we do that best? By giving her a compliment! Stroking her ego! You say something like 'Don't say that about Asuka!' and you're golden."

"Toji, I'm not going to put on an act-"

"Ikari, do you wanna die?"

"No!"

"Then _act_. This is guaranteed to reduce her iron by 20%."

Shinji rolled his eyes. "So what's step three?"

"Step three is called, in the immortal words of my father, 'How many &*! times do I have to pick up after you kids?'"

"Truly a bard of his time."

"Glad you think so. Here, we can set this one up right now," Toji said gleefully.

"Does it involve punching?"

"What? No. Step one was the punch, Ikari. Listen for once in your life." And Toji threw a chair to the floor. Shinji jumped.

"Well? Help me out," Toji said. So they threw furniture to the floor. "This," Toji helpfully explained, "is gonna make her think you're just torn up about her."

"I'm not torn up about her," Shinji muttered.

"No, but you want her to think you are."

Shinji looked around the room. "And judging by how step three is going, I also want her to think I'm a violent psycho who throws things when I'm angry."

"Where are you getting this stuff from, Ikari?"

"Toji, what makes you think this is going to work-"

The doorbell. "Yeah, who is it?" Toji asked, then whispered: "Ready for step one?"

Shinji shook his head vigorously.

"Great! Then look angry. I'm going to bump into the door and open...it?"

The door, which Toji had helpfully left unlocked, opened on its own. And what was in the doorway nearly gave the boys a heart attack. Asuka looked...sorry.

Both Shinji and Asuka were silent. Toji was making apologetic faces at Shinji while also trying to mouth, "Step one!" You could cut the tension with a knife.

A pause.

Simultaneously, both parties said, "I'm sorry," as quietly as possible.

Asuka huffed. "I hope you appreciated that. It's the only one you'll ever get from me-wait, what?"

Toji also looked confused.

"I'm sorry, too," Shinji said. "Let's just go home."

Toji felt betrayed.

"Let's...do that," Asuka agreed.

Toji muttered, "Shoulda tried the Kensuke."

* * *

Someone had switched the labels back on the bottles. Asuka suspected Shinji. However, because no one had told her, her otherwise nice midday snack had taken on a new and interesting taste. But, she had to admit...the Worcestershire sauce wasn't _that_ bad.

In fact, she rather liked it.

And for a second, she almost let herself like Shinji, too.


End file.
